omg! T3H TYP1CAL SUPR SMASH 13R05 T0URNM3NT ST0RY
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: Oh no, oh no, the Smash Bros. are caught in Master Hand's plot to make this typically terrible and illogical story get lots of positive feedback: will they ever stop him in time? Note: this is so boring that you can read chapters out of order! R&R?
1. Prologue

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (the person you flamed last week).

**Forward**

Oh, no! I can't even correctly spell the name of the first section of my story! It looks as if I'm on the path to becoming the author of a typical action/adventure story. Is that a good thing?

Let's ask the average author.

("Yes!" he/she says.)

Now let's ask the average reader.

Hello?

Nobody reads those stories?

Wow! It looks as if I'm doomed to a lot of empty "review or no updates" threats and other desperate measures to delude myself into thinking that people like me. And like the typical author, I'm looking forward to it!

A side note: if you don't want this to happen to you, either avoid this genre altogether or take care not to copy anything I do in this story. And that includes misspelling every fourth sentence.

_Don't flame! 'Cause this is my **six**th story! Six! A perfect number!  
You shouldn't flame because my brother **Hoogiman **helped me!  
And he's a bad author…  
_  
**The Beginning of the End (and the End of said Beginning)  
**

Master Hand and Crazy Hand were having a pretty little tea party. Being the animate hands they were, things got a bit ugly.

"Well Mr. Tinkybuns likes me more than you!" sniffed Master Hand, turning away.

Crazy Hand rushed his brother and slapped him hard on the back. "Ha! Gotcha!"

Master Hand took the opportunity to poke Crazy Hand right in the mount of Venus. "Ow!" howled Crazy Hand.

"I'm getting bored of this," said Master Hand.

"What?" said Crazy Hand. "This serene, tranquil life? The agony of knowing that er… whatever happened in the N64 game happened?

The horrible writing displayed herein?"

"All of it," said Master Hand. He floated around the vortex, mumbling to himself angrily.

"If only…" he began.

"If only what?" said his counterpart.

(--inconsistent use of white space is _good_--)

"If only I had…" he continued.

He thought about which cliché hadn't been used in a fic like this yet.

"If only I had killed all the Smashers!"

"Someone's used that one."

"If only the Smash Bros. were dead!"

"Been done."

"If only I looked good in pink!"

"So overused."

"If only I invited the Smash Brothers along with 13/14 new characters to a second super ultimate battle in the intention of destroying them all like I tried last time but failing miserably yet again!"

"Did you say 'again' or 'yet again'?"

"Yet again."

"WOW! WE'VE COME UP WITH A NEW EVIL RANT!" Crazy Hand did a backwards flip and gave a thumbs-up.

"So what are we waiting for?" said Master Hand.

"The Mid-afternoon News?"

"Of course," said Master Hand. "As soon as it's over, we'll begin preparing."

"Why don't we tape it?"

"Of course!" Master Hand laughed gleefully. "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Keep it down!" said Sonic. (--mandatory appearance for any indecent story--)

* * *

Next chapter: the invitations!  
The chapter after that: the battles begin!  
After that: trials and pain!  
After that: Master Hand is defeated!  
(--Hey, all these stories are formulaic.--) 


	2. Chapter 1 The Invitations come in

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (in case you couldn't tell from my name up there).

**The Invitations Come In (Part 1)**

The Mario brothers were sitting in Peach's castle, talking about plumbing, saving the world, cheesy spin-offs, and the quality of the food there.

"This food is-a excellent," said Mario. (--Oh, the mocking Italian accent isn't necessary, but it makes you look quite clever.--)

"I know," said Peach, smiling vacantly. (Peach is so easy to kidnap because she is both light and light-headed.)

"I completely agree," said Luigi.

"I know," said Peach, smiling vacantly once again.

"Are you-a okay?" wondered Mario.

Before Peach could give him the same irrelevant response, the evil king of the Koopas burst through the wall! (I'm referring to Bowser  
here)

"Hello, you little runts!" he cackled maniacally. "I'm here to kidnap Princess Peach!"

"I'm a kidnapped party!" said Peach vacantly.

Bowser sighed. "Whatever happened to the captives who put up a struggle?"

Peach squeezed herself into Bowser's suitcase and somehow locked it from the inside.

"Ah, well. You Mario brothers, having bad reaction times, won't be able to chase me until I'm well clear of the castle! Oh, incidentally,  
how are you going to try to catch me this week?" Luigi said, "We were originally going to suggest-a golf, but we did that last week."

"How about a darts tournament to reclaim your princess?" said Bowser.

The Mario brothers nodded agreement.

"I'll be going, then," Bowser concluded, picking up his suitcase.

"Yay!" said Peach. "I mean, pleh! Uh? I mean, help!"

A Koopa ran up to Bowser. "Sir, you have a letter here."

"Mail? Me?" said Bowser. "I have friends?" He started to cry in joy. Realising that several people were watching, he added, "That was  
me mocking you. Mocking. I'm not emotionally weak." "I have two letters for you," said the Koopa, handing identical envelopes to the Mario brothers.

Opening it, Mario frowned. "Isn't this the same-a… Master Hand is still at it?"

"It seems so," said Luigi.

Bowser was reading his letter. "Let me guess," he said. "You also got invited to a 'Smash Brothers' tournament."

"We've been to this before," said Mario.

"So _that's_ where you went last year while I was in bed with Fleur- I mean, the flu."

"Well, we're going," said Luigi. "It was fun, wasn't it?"

(--I'm breaking convention here by explaining _why_ the Smash Brothers want to return to the tournament which nearly killed them last time.--)

"I might as well go," said Bowser. "Here, you can have your damsel back." He opened the suitcase and threw Peach at the Mario brothers, who ducked.

Peach hit the wall head first. Amazingly, this didn't affect her capacity to think at all.

"Hi, you old turnips!" she said.

Okay, it's not _that_ amazing.

"Hey!" said Peach, racing to the Koopa before hopping on the spot. "Is that letter for me?"

"Actually, it's addressed to 'Occupant'-"

Peach snatched the envelope and opened it. "Ooh!" she said. "A fighting competition! With me invited!"

"Is she going?" said Bowser. "I'm not going if she's going."

"I'm afraid you have to come," said Mario.

Bowser then noticed the line on the letter saying, 'You have to come.'

"Well, if I have to come, I'd better come, then," he said.

(--Everyone here has agreed; so we don't care if the Mushroom Kingdom burns down. On to the next few people.--)

* * *

Somewhere very different, a Pikachu and a Pichu were exploring the newly built stadium at Kanto. (--Never commit. I can copy or make up their backgrounds later.--)

"Pichu chipu pu-chi-pu-chi-pu, chi?" said Pichu. Translated: _"Does it strike you as odd that a barrel containing two letters addressed to us exploded right before us?"_

"Pikachu, chu pichuka kapi kachipa chika chikapi pi pich pichka chu chupi kapi chu paka chu pachu chu." _"Yes."_

The two Pokemon examined the letters. "Pichu chu?" _"What does it say?"  
_

"Pikachu; chu." _"It says that we are invited to a fighting tournament somewhere far away from here where we will compete to become champion – hey! This is exactly like the one I went to last year - how on earth did that happen? I thought we killed the organiser during a food fight that got slightly out of hand!"  
_

"Pichu." _"I'm Pichu."_

Pikachu threw Pichu into a wall.

Moving right along:

* * *

Captain Falcon was simultaneously winning the F-Zero final for the third year in a row, punching his nemesis Blood Falcon in the nose and killing several highly dangerous criminals, when his phone rang.

"Drat," he said, trying to pick the phone up with his shoes so that he could keep on steering and elbowing Blood Falcon's gut. It didn't work.

"Could we hold it for a moment?" he said to Blood Falcon.

Blood Falcon shrugged, giving C. Falcon an opportunity to push his nemesis off the hovercar.

Captain Falcon picked up the phone, steering around a giant pile-up floating in the air. (**I do not endorse using a phone while driving, especially while reverse-parking. And, of course, using a mobile phone while drag racing isn't one of my life priorities either. So don't sue me for damages.**)

"Hello?" he said.

"This is… hm… call me 'Mister H.'," said the voice on the other end.

"What do you want with me, Mister H? I don't like your attitude!"

"I only just gave you my name-"

"For the last time, I'm straight! I don't do guys! And if you call me back I'll r-"

"I'd like you to come to a fighting competition," said the voice.

"Oh." Captain Falcon mentally slapped himself. "Ouch!" he said (it was a highly lucid slap). "Hey… are you the same guy who invited me to one of those last year?"

"Uh, noo… of course not… I'm not Master Hand…"

"How did you know it was Master Hand?" said C. Falcon suspiciously.

'Mister H' suddenly sounded like a dial tone.

Captain Falcon shrugged. There was no reason _not_ to go; so as soon as he rammed the enemy cars into the innocent civilians and crossed the finish line, he resolved to pack his bags. Well, bag. Same thing.

* * *

Marth and Roy were sitting at a _censored_ to watch some dancing _censored_ _censored censored_, one of whom Marth was married to when he had _censored censored censored censored censored censored_. After the _censored_, they had wild hot _censored censored censored censored_ until Roy accidentally was mistaken as a female llama and subsequently _censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored_. As a matter of fact, the _censored_ was really a _censored_, so Marth "just had to _censored_ it with him", _censored_-ing the _censored censored_ and of course, the _censored_.

"Open the letter," urged Roy, tightening the straps on the _censored_.

"Dear Marth and Roy," read Marth. "You are invited to a Smash Brothers tournament, where you will fight to become the ultimate champion. I know you won't want to come, but if you do, I promise you that you-know-who as well as a few new girls _censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored_ but strangely familiar method of communication: perhaps if the alpha particles _censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored_ triple topless bi's all night _censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored_, and of course some money to spend on such things as _censored censored censored censored censored_."

"Sounds good," said Roy. "Let's go!"

"Is that dirt on your _censored_?" said Marth.

* * *

A random Pokemon trainer was trying to capture Mewtwo, with limited success.

"_Really, human,_" said Mewtwo. "_Do you think you can defeat me?_" He hurled a ball of psychic energy (how is psychic energy physical?) at the trainer.

"Agh!" said the person (if you've any ideas for names, shut up). "I'm down to my last Pokemon!" Dramatic music began to play.

"_Show me your worst,_" said Mewtwo. Using his psychic powers to read minds, he said, "_Wow, that is bad._"

"Jigglypuff! I choose you!"

The Jigglypuff stumbled out of the Pokeball, grabbed Mewtwo drunkenly, and latched onto his face.

"_Get off!_" thought Mewtwo, trying to telekinetically pry the puffball from his face.

"?jig jiggly Puffji jiggypuffypiggle jjjjjjjjjjjjpuff!" said Jigglypuff.

Some mailman arrived and gave invitations to Jigglypuff and Mewtwo. "You two have been invited to a fighting competition!"

"Jig jig jig jig jig jig jig jig jig!" said Jigglypuff. _"Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance Irish dance!"_

"What about me?" said the trainer. "Don't I deserve-"

A truck full of irony ran over the trainer.

"_Ah, irony,_" said Mewtwo. "_It's funny to read about._" He was hit by an IFO (ironic flying object).

* * *

Next chapter: More of this pointless junk! Until then, please review. And no flames, because I'm wearing a _fireproof suit_! Take that, flamers! Flame this! What? No, you're not allowed to take off the suit. No! No, I'm sorry! Uh oh. 


	3. Unsynched chapter no's only confuse

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (and it will be for a _long_ time.)

**The Invitations Come In (Part 3)**

Hahahahahahaha!1111111 I wrote tehree insted off too. S3r10us PWnG3!

"Okay," said Popo, as he and his sister/girlfriend/best friend/mother Nana clambered up onto the ledge. "Do you wanna belay now?" (--As there is no indication on Nana and Popo's relationship, you can more or less make it up. I personally prefer girlfriend, then sister. Best friend always ends up in girlfriend. Mother also seems to end up in girlfriend, but I won't go too far; you can imagine what I'm talking about. For now, I'll just leave it blank.--)  


"No way," said Nana. "It's obvious that this next slope is the most dangerous so far, and we know that I'm the better choice."

Popo shook his head. "We're both just as good, Nana. You may be my sister/girlfriend/best friend/mother, but I'm not-"

"I have an icicle and I'm not afraid to use it."

With a very sharp shard threatening to pierce his throat, Popo decided to give Nana the benefit of the doubt. "Okay, you climb," he said.

"_Thank_ you," said Nana, tightening her rope.

An evil condor flew past and dropped enough food to feed a small town right in front of them. It also dropped a letter.

"That was rather nice of the evil condor," said Popo.

"Yeah…" said Nana. "Such a nice birdie… I wish we could have more time…"

"What's this let-?"

Nana hit Popo in the face, knocking him backwards and nearly sending him flying off the ledge. "Don't talk to me like that, innocent fool!"

Popo opened the letter. "We've been invited to a fighting tournament!"

"Why don't we enter together?" said Nana.

**_You choose the decision:_  
**

**A)** "Okay," said Popo. "I wonder if anyone else has thought of that?"

As it turned out: no, nobody else had thought of that. Which is a pity, because I am of the opinion that Pikachu/Pichu or Ness/Mewtwo would be an excellent in-game combo.

**B)** "Nah," said Popo.

Nana produced an ice pick.

"Okay," said Popo meekly.

"I knew you'd agree," said Nana.

**C)** "It says here that we have to," said Popo. "Apparently, due to our popularity, combined we count as one person."

"Weird," said Nana. "How does that work?"

"Apparently we're each about – hey! It's calling us half-people!"

"Relax," said Nana. "It's a joke. You're worth minus one people; I'm worth two. It adds up; 1 + 1 equals2."

"Or -1 + 2 1!" joked Popo.

Everyone stared blankly.

"Did you just include, like, maths in your story?" said one author.

Another author said, "Omigawd! That's so… that's so _nerd_ level. Only _nerds_ know what 2 minus 1 is. _Nerd._"

"Are you okay?" said Nana. "That makes you sound as if you don't have the intelligence of a foetus."

"Sorry," said Popo. "I didn't mean to -" he glared angrily – "steal the limelight."

* * *

"Limelight," said Mario. "As in-a, lime like your scales?"

Yoshi shook his head. "Yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi!" _"It's a idiom meaning the focus of attention, often carrying positive connotations of __recognition."_

"Why do I bother talking to-a him?" said Mario. "He's so stupid! That's all he can-a say. 'Yoshi! Look at me-a, I'm Yoshi! Yoshi yoshi yoshi.'"

Peach thought hard. "Isn't limelight, like, light? Like, the light that comes from limes when I stare at them real, real hard?"

* * *

"Hard," said Kirby. "Definitely."

"I thought you preferred them fried," said Chef Kawasaki. "Sunny side up."

"I want to try something new," said Kirby. "And I had a bad experience with an easy-over. Sunny side up is… segregated. Know what I mean?"

"I follow," said Kawasaki, heating up the fryer. "No chance of softboiled?"

"If I'm eating boiled, I'll go all the way," said Kirby.

"Okay," said Chef Kawasaki. "But you know how hard it is to do. The Waddle Dees pop about three seconds after you put them into the boiling water."

"Well, work it out," said Kirby.

Rick the hamster walked into Chef Kawasaki's restaurant. "Hey, mate!" he said.

"The usual?" said Chef Kawasaki, holding a struggling Waddle Dee.

"Nah," said Rick. "I've just been on a picnic." He shuddered at the memory. "I'm not doing that again. I'm here to give Kirby a letter."

Kirby looked at the letter. "Is this a story where I'm literate?" he said.

"Yep," I said.

"Okay," said Kirby, reading it. "Ooh! A eating competition!"

Rick looked over his shoulder. "Isn't that a _fighting_ competition?"

"Not any more," said Kirby.

Rick shrugged and left.

"Mmm… hard-fought food…" said Kirby.

* * *

(--If you don't know much about a character, you can make stuff up. No-one notices. Then once people point out what the character's real history is, you can say it was a typo. Observe:--)  


"Hello," said Samus. "I am a doctor. I wear a green suit. I think I am male."

"Hello," said Ridley the dragon. "I know that you like dragons, Mister Samus. Here, have a letter."

"I like letters," said Samus, opening the letter. "I also like saving the lives of creatures. Like those Metroid things. They are very friendly and give you lots of energy."

Ridley said, "Do you remember that tea party we had with the space pirates? Was that not nice?"

"Space pirates are good. Like Metroids. I have been invited to a fighting competition. I am known for my martial arts abilities. I am no good at using long-range weapons like beams or missiles."

"Yes," said Ridley. "Why don't you leave your home planet, Brinstar?"

"Yes," said Samus. "I live on Brinstar. I am male."

Samus left. This was very sad, as Samus' green suit was very nice to look at.

* * *

Fox McCloud and Wolf O'Donnell stood, staring at each other, blasters pointed at each other's face.

"So," said Fox. "You know why I'm here."

"You know why I'm here," said Wolf.

"You have mail," said ROB.

"I have to go now," said Fox.

"I won't forget!" cried Wolf, as Fox left. "Anyone who breaks my Barbie dolls and insults my Celtic heritage-" the rest of his words were drowned out by beetles boxing with each other.

Incidentally, Celtic people are good. (--If I can capitalise on that one eighth of genetic makeup, then world domin- HELLO! THIS IS AN INNOCENT COMMENT! GOODBYE!--)

* * *

Like most authors, I'm getting bored at this stage, so I'll skip over everyone.

Mr Game & Watch was too monochrome to attend.

Ness decided to use his psychic powers for evil, but changed his mind when he received an invitation to a fighting tournament where he would beat his peers to a bloody pulp with his mind.

The entire kingdom of Hyrule imploded, allowing Link, Zelda and Ganondorf to come.

And that's everyone.

Or is it?

* * *

Next chapter: Introducing the new kid in town! (--Not that there is… I'm just saying that… or am I? Deeh… deeeh deerrrrrrtr…. Bum bum, duiddly dom…-) 


	4. The Smash Brothers Arrive

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (or is it? _Tense staccato string interlude._)

**The Arrival  
**

(--There are three main ways you can write this chapter: a one liner, a whitespacelessparagraphwhichreallycouldusesomeformatting, or the widely criticised "chapter with actual content". I personally prefer to write chapters that I can't read in half a minute, but I can understand the need to update frequently, so that you don't disappoint your non-existent readers. To make as many people as possible as happy as possible, I present the three typical versions of this typical chapter.--)

**

* * *

A: _The one liner_**

All the Smash Brothers arrived and met each other. Please read and review!

**

* * *

B:_ The unformatted rundown_**

(--I couldn't be bothered writing a proper, old-fashioned illegible chapter, so here's Microsoft Word's take on version C.--)

Everyone turned around. Behind them had appeared – Master Hand! (Wow. The giant floating hand approached the Smash Brothers. 1111111111 MISTR HNAD!" said Sonic. "Maybe," said Sonic. "It was Sonic," said Bowser.

"_Oh_," said Falco. Master Hand approached them, causing the Smash Brothers to back away uneasily. "Welcome, all of you!" said Master Hand. "_We're living in a hypothetical house?_" said Mewtwo. "**NERD!**" shouted Captain Falcon, trying to hit Ness with a hammer. At the last moment Ness dived out of the way, resulting in the hammer hitting Captain Falcon. Everyone stopped to admire the expression on Captain Falcon's face. Spare part?" Master Hand continued. I mean, I will personally fight them! Next chapter… the fights!

**

* * *

C: _The decent version (which everyone refuses to read)_**

All of the Smashers arrived at the meeting spot proclaimed in the letter. They turned and saw a large hotel-like structure.

"What is this?" said Roy, confused. "Is this one of those high-class broth-_censored censored_?"

"No," said a voice.

Everyone turned around. Behind them had appeared – Master Hand! (Wow. Even I didn't expect that one. Really.) The giant floating hand approached the Smash Brothers. "It looks as if some of us meet again."

"OH NOES!1111111111 MISTR HNAD!" said Sonic.

"What are you doing here?" said Bowser. "You're no Nintendo character!"

"Maybe," said Sonic. "But I have an awesome speed attack and can beat everyone!"

In her confusion, Peach dropped a paper clip, KO'ing Sonic.

"Did you just kill someone with a paper clip?" said Falco.

"It was Sonic," said Bowser.

"_Oh_," said Falco. "Fair enough."

Master Hand approached them, causing the Smash Brothers to back away uneasily.

"Welcome, all of you!" said Master Hand. "Okay; now that you're here I'll lay down the ground rules. Firstly, this place, the 'smash mansion', is the usual explanation of where you all live when not fighting. It's purely hypothetical, but I assure you it is very comfortable."

"_We're living in a hypothetical house?_" said Mewtwo. "_But-_"

"It's quite plausible," said Ness. "I know that you don't believe in ZZZ theory, but it has been proven that with the necessary willpower, you can reali-"

"**NERD!**" shouted Captain Falcon, trying to hit Ness with a hammer. At the last moment Ness dived out of the way, resulting in the hammer hitting Captain Falcon. Fortunately, it missed both of his legs and hit the vague area in between instead.

Everyone stopped to admire the expression on Captain Falcon's face.

"Well," said Zelda, suppressing a giggle, "it looks as if the driver will be needing a – what's the idiom? Spare part?"

"It's not funny!" said Captain Falcon, stepping on the edge of a rake, and sending the handle flying into his face. "Not funny at all!" He fell into a hole.  
Master Hand continued. "It hasn't yet been decided who will be fighting who tomorrow, but whoever comes out on top will personally defeat me! I mean, I will personally fight them! I mean, you weren't supposed to find this out! I mean, **look! Is it a bird?**"

Everyone turned to the side, allowing for Master Hand to make his diabolical getaway.

"He got away-a!" exclaimed Mario, who was-a shocked-a.

The really extraordinary thing was that everyone had instantly made friends. Which was a good thing. Of course, I'll need dramatic tension, so some people made enemies. Which from the author's point of view is a good thing.

But the most exciting thing was yet to come. That's right! Next chapter… the fights!

So read it!

Oh, and review this chapter. Because I will… hm… a threat… take off my shirt if you don't.


	5. The Smash Brothers socialise among other...

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (I don't think that line needs explanation).

**The Smash Brothers socialise among other things  
**

The real problem, of course, is that I have absolutely no indication of the personalities of the people in this story/ Like most writers, I'll simply improvise. Um… Peach has tetanus… and Kirby is a vegan… and Captain Falcon is heavily against drink driving… and I don't think this is very convincing.

Please excuse me while I actually look up the characters' backgrounds.

(Rather blatant pause.)

Okay, it's done. Now that I know what I'm writing about, I shall begin. And… of course… there's no cut/pasting involved…

Welcome to Kirby's Rainbow Resort! At Nintendo, we strive to

* * *

(--Incidentally, I'm glad to see that everyone agrees with my description of Samus. I'll admit that I was wrong, and that her suit was actually a ninetieth birthday present, as one of my friends pointed out, so I'll quickly correct that. If I've made any other mistakes, please point them out. I'm a bit rusty with my Metroid lore and all.--)

* * *

"Oops," said Samus. "Correction: I really received this suit as a ninety-first birthday present." He used his telekinetic powers to open the door to his room before eating his favourite food, salad wraps, and chatting with his Metroid friends.

"Who was he talking to?" said Marth.

"Does it _censored_ matter?" said Roy.

"_Censored censored censored; censoringly censored censors_," said Marth.

"That's just vulgar," said Zelda, walking by and casting the prince a disdainful look.

Marth took one look at Zelda. "Oh my _censored censored_! Is she _censored censored _and screaming for me to _censored censored_ her or what?" He could already picture all the _censored censored censored_ that they'd have together by the time the romantic aspect to the story had gotten a quarter way through.

Roy ignored his friend, preferring to show Donkey Kong his _censored_ while _censored_-ing his _censored_ and softly stroking _censored_ with his tongue.

Donkey Kong backed away uneasily before Roy could unsheathe his… er… Blessed Sword of Fire, Flesh and Life (Dex +30 Str +39).

(--That was literal. Honest.--)

_

* * *

Meanwhile… meaning "at the same time", idiots, not "later"; you can't just use the character you were describing again…_

"This chapter is so short," cackled Master Hand, "that I could probably produce one a day and continually bump this story to the top of the ratings!"

"So true, my wife – father – daughter – boyfriend – sister – boxing glove – brother," said Crazy Hand in his usual direct manner.

"Better log off before I overuse my bandwidth," said Master Hand. "Even if I am stealing internet access off that poor little author."

"WE SHOULD HAVE EATEN THE SMALL ONE!" said Crazy Hand in his usual relevant manner.

"Hi," said Marth, blatantly contradicting the message I'm trying to give you.

"Aren't you somewhere else right now?" said Master Hand.

"Yes," said Marth. "I have a question."

"JINGLE BELLS!" said Crazy Hand.

"What is that question?" said Master Hand to Marth.

"LOVE IS A PRETTY SPIKE BED?" said Crazy Hand.

"When does the fighting start?"

"PREFERABLY NEXT CHAPTER, DEARIE!" said Crazy Hand.

"Ignore him," said Master Hand. "What he says has no relevance outside of his cast role as an idiot. His dialogue isn't a secret message from the author."

"OKAY!" said Crazy Hand. "WHAT MASTER HAND JUST SAID (VIRGINIA) IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE (PINEAPPLE). DON'T ARGUE THE POINT IN YOUR REVIEW! BUY MY HAMSTER!"

* * *

"Well," we've all settled in," said Zelda.

"Yes." said. Mario (I do think that this place is-a rather nice"

"Yes said Donkey Kong. "Very nice indeed."

* * *

Next chapter: it's what you all were waiting for (--in the author's fantasy world. I know you aren't reading this. And I know that you reviewers are just bots.--)… it's: the FIGHTS!

No, correction, there's more dialogue.  
See? I contradicted myself like I'm supposed to. Happy now?


	6. The First Fight

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (yesh).

**The First Fight!**

"Right," said Master Hand bluntly, "although I said otherwise earlier, you're going to start fighting now."

"Why?" said Fox. "And did you just appear in a puff of smoke?"

"Officially, yes," said Master Hand. "And since you're being such a jerk, Fox-"

"What?"

"-I'll have you in our first **dual too teh deth**."

"No!" shouted Fox McCloud in horror. "I don't want to dye!" (--Darn, just realised I used that joke in ATW. Actually, who cares? This _is_ a typical story, after all.--)

"Too late!" said Master Hand. Then, seeing the state of distress the vulpine was in, he added, "It's not that bad. Usually, nobody dies in these fights to the death."

"Oh," said Fox. "Oh, okay, then." He skipped out of the room, wearing his pretty pink hat. (It's not what you think. _Certain_ blue foxes had blackmailed him into wearing it.)

Master Hand's twin younger big brother, Crazy Hand, swooped in. "GOOD EEVNING LEYDEES!" he screeched, crashing into a hat stand. "EYE HURD FOCKS IZ INN THEE FITE! HOO ELZE?"

"Uh…" said Master Hand, struggling to interpret what Crazy Hand had said despite years of experience. "Oh! I just realised I haven't decided yet!"

"DECIDED YET YOU HAVEN'T; BAD THAT IS; MY HANDY PADWAN! MUAH HA HA, DEARIE!"

"I _know_ that! But who should we pick to fight Fox? How can we make it gory?"

"QUEZCOATAL SMALL MILKY CHEESE BASKETS!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "Of course! We pit him against Pichu! Pichu will never stand a chance!"

"YESS HE WIL! JUUST COZ THE ORTHOR LEIKS BIG CAHRCTERS DUSNT MEEN THAT SML 1'S R BADD!"

"Yes," said Master Hand, "but I'm tying a brick to Pichu's back."

"OOH," said Crazy Hand, doing a back flip. "HOW EEVIL."

"Yes," said Master Hand. "Very evil."

* * *

Pichu happened to be talking with Ness, who had never seen a Pokemon before today.

"Wow," said Ness. "I never believed the internet stories… you really _can_ conjure lightning?"

"Pichu, chu chipu chu!" said Pichu, accidentally zapping himself with his tail. _"Yes, I really can!"  
_

"I'd like to see you in action," said Ness.

"Pichu!" _"Don't say that!"_

"Why?" said Ness. "You worried about bad luck?"

"Chipu pu." _"Actually, I have this problem with irony-"_

"HEELLOO!" said Crazy Hand, swooping in. "PEECHU – U HAF 2 FITE NUW!" He zoomed out again.

"Pich?" _"See what I mean?"_

Ness nodded. "Wow. I'm sorry. It could be worse, though," he chuckled. "I could have been crushed by Crazy Hand as he zoomed in."

_CRASH!_

Pichu looked at Ness, who had just (ironically) been hit by Crazy Hand. "Uch." _"Ouch."_

"Say you told me so, and die."

* * *

Fox and Pichu arrived right on time. (--Notice I didn't say where. This is because, like most authors, I lack an imagination.--)

"Right!" said Master Hand. "Where should we fight?"

"Chu pich chipu?" _"Can we fight anywhere?"  
_

"As long as neither of us has the advantage," said Fox. "That would be unfair."

"Puch ip." _"So no home ground or anything."_

"Okay," said Master Hand. "Let's do it on top of Fox's ship, with all his friends circling around."

"Wha- oh, okay!" said Fox happily.

"Pichu!" _"That's unfair! You're being mean to me just 'cause I'm small and light and cute!"_

"I'll make it better," said Master Hand. "Here – let me tie a brick to your back." Master Hand tried to, but being one-handed, he found the rope too hard to manipulate. "Fox? A little help?"

"Sure," said Fox, leaning down to help Master Hand tie the brick on. But it kept on slipping off.

"Oh dear," said Master Hand. "Pichu? Could you tie it on yourself?"

"Pichu…" said Pichu, annoyed. He reached around and tied himself up.

* * *

"Quick!" shouted Luigi. "Pichu and Fox are fighting!"

"So?" said Mario.

Luigi thought about that, giving ample time for Mario to grab Luigi's cap and toss it out of the room.

"Hey-a! What was that-a for?"

"Seven," said Captain Falcon.

"I concur," said Ness.

"How relevant," said Mario.

A 16 ton weight landed on him.

* * *

"FIGHT!" shouted Master Hand, moving back. Immediately, Pichu began to use the thunder jolt move Pikachu had taught him. Arcs of thunder streamed across the surface of the ship.

Fox dodged and weaved the blue sparks, as they narrowly evaded him. He jumped around, almost dancing to avoid being shocked.

"Woah!" yelled Fox, almost losing his balance.

"Pi-CHU! Pi-CHU!" Pichu kept those bolts coming.

"Stop spamming that move!" yelled Fox.

What neither of them realised was that, being his usual clumsy self, Pichu was actually hurting himself every time he pulled off that move. Thus, when Fox was smart enough to turn on his portable reflector shield, and an arc of thunder gently zapped Pichu, Pichu went flying back.

Fox turned to Pichu with a strange expression on his face. Sensing danger, Pichu tried to run, but the brick slowed him down.

In desperation, Pichu screamed as Fox jumped at him, causing thunder to strike down at them. Fox was blown back about two metres.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" shouted a few random people who were watching. In space. Where sound can't travel.

* * *

"This line is completely irrelevant," concluded Marth.

Roy frowned. "Hey! Shut the _censored_ up and start _censored_-ing me! And when you're done _censored_-ing little Miss _censored_ over there, drop me a _censored_!"

* * *

Amazed that he had actually made contact with Fox, Pichu started bouncing around in joy. "Pichu chipu pich!" _"How good am I?"_

Fox flicked Pichu off the ship with a single finger.

"How did you do that?" said Master Hand. "He's supposed to be heavy with those weights on!"

Pichu tried to recover.

"On the other hand," said Master Hand, "the brick should stop him from getting back on."

Pichu fell down (I know, they were still in space) and disappeared.

"So does he reappear in the house we're staying in?" said Fox.

"What? Oh, no," laughed Master Hand. "Pichu will just end up floating in space forever."

Fox laughed with him.

"Seriously," said Master Hand.

Fox backed away slowly, then made a desperate break for it.

* * *

Next chapter: Another chapter!

(Thanks to my brother hoogiman for not attacking me while I wrote this. Thanks to everyone for not reviewing. Thanks to the people I'm making fun of for continuing to write stupid fics- wait, I meant "no thanks". Can I take that back?)


	7. Stuff happens after the fight wow

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (the sugar-addicted adolescent who wrote this story).

**Stuff happens after the first Fight (wow)**

"Hi," said Samus to Mario.

"Hello-a, Samus," said Mario. "What's a guy like you doing in the freezer?"

"I'm looking for amputated body parts," replied Samus, "as that is completely within character for me. I am roughly 150 years old. My hair is purple. I'm baking a cake for my friend, Ridley the rather small talking mouse."

(--I'm surprised none of you have pointed out the minor change I made to Samus' character. Hint: Samus doesn't _really_ kill creatures of any size…--)

"What am-a _I_ doing in the freezer?" said Mario, realising where they were.

"I have psychic powers," said Samus. "Thus I can turn the freezer into a minibar."

"DOUBLE U-TEE EFF?" said Crazy Hand, crashing into the freezer (which was about the size of Mario's right hand). "WOT IZ THE MEENIBAR DOING, MY DARLING PLURAL?"

Samus used his trademark magic wand to blast Crazy Hand away.

* * *

"Ooh! A lollipop!" said Kirby, eating a lollipop. He then spied Pichu.

"_Hi_…" he said, walking towards Pichu. "How… are… you?"

Pichu looked up at Kirby. "Pi-chu chi pu!" _"Horrible! I was just left to die in space, but then got blasted back here by a ridiculously powerful Arwing!"_

"Yeah…" said Kirby. "Pichu… do you have any _parsley_?"

"Chu chi pi chu chi?" _"Are you trying to eat me again?"_

Unable to think of a witty response, Kirby inhaled Pichu.

* * *

"I've called you here," said Master Hand, "to tell you all that this chapter is really, really short. Any questions?"

_Please read and review :-).  
_

"Yeah," said Marth. "_Censored censored censored?_"

"No, Marth," said Master Hand. "I don't own any people-"

"-livestock will do," interrupted Roy.

"No animals either," said Master Hand.

"Excuse me," said Zelda, "why does every chapter have to be so short?"

"1) It's easy to write 2) everyone else does it 3) I'm lazy 4) so is everyone else 5) I shouldn't have said that 6) uh… 7) TIME FOR THE NEXT FIGHT!"

* * *

Next chapter: the second fight! (Bet you never guessed that!) 


	8. Suddenly, the 2nd fight

**_How to Write:_  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (get it? Because it's me?... oh, _fine_).

**Suddenly, the Second Fight  
**  
"But the plot inconsistencies…" protested Zelda.

"NOT IMPORTANT! FIGHT 2 BEGINS NOW! Crazy Hand, draw some names out of a hat!"

"Okay, dearies!" said Crazy Hand, collapsing to the ground in a faint.

"Uh… so much for that…" said Master Hand. "Uh… the next fight shall be between _Peach and Mario_!"

Everyone stared in shock.

Mario, of course, was completely taken aback. "Me-a? Fight Peach? But… but…"

"Yay!" said Peach. "I get to beat up the evil Bowser!"

"No, Peach," whispered Luigi. "Mario."

"Yay!" said Peach. "I get to beat up the evil Mario!"

Mario fainted from shock.

"Pichu!" said Pichu, stumbling into the room, looking battered. _"You evil, evil… hand!"_

"Agh! Mouse!" said DK, leaping onto Pichu. "There… it's gone now… we can all be nice and happy again…"

(--Because, obviously, this story sucks, we need a running gag or something as comic relief so that people can feel as if they partially enjoy it.--)

_

* * *

On the roof of Peach's Castle…_

"Ooh!" said Peach. "My castle has a roof?"

"Yes," said Master Hand tiredly. "most castles do."

"Yay! Can I join the Smash Tournament?"

"You already have," replied Master Hand.

"Do I get a prize?" smiled Peach.

"MARIO! GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I GO BONKERS!" bellowed Master Hand.

"Yay!" said Peach.

Mario ran up to them, looking flustered.

"Right," said Master Hand. "I made the two of you fight because that would be cruel and unusual. Fight."

Peach gave a scream of sugary-ness and started whacking Mario with her parasol.

"Mamma mia!" said Mario. "I thought we were-a friends!"

"Yay!" said Peach, bodily tossing Mario off the roof.

"Nooo!" shouted Mario. "My wildest dreams!"

"Well," said Master Hand. "I guess this means that OH LOOK AT THE TIME it seems the chapter is over."

"PLEA BARGAIN SHOP," said Crazy Hand.

"Right…"

"Excuse me," said Zelda, "you still haven't explained why on earth the tourn-"

"CHAPTER OVER!"

* * *

Next chapter: another pointless interlude. 


	9. Possibilities

**_How to Write:_****  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (who the story is by).

**Possibilities  
**  
The Smash Brothers suddenly were eating food. At… a place where people eat food. Yes.

"So what do you think Master Hand is?" said Link.

"Who cares?" said Ganondorf. "Everything you say is stupid anyway?"

"You're out to turn everyone else against me," said Link accusingly.

"Uh, no. You kill little kittens in cold blood."

Everyone gasped in horror. "Link!" said Luigi. "You would do-a such a thing? I _trusted_ you!"

"Excellent," said Ganondorf.

"Well, I suspect Master Hand is a giant, edible hand," said Kirby, "who is made out of white chocolate… mmm… and, uh, sugar… cream… milk… sweet stuff… food…"

"I wonder what Master Hand's intentions are," said Fox.

"He probably wants to get us to _censored censored censored_ and maybe non-consented _censored_ with double _censored_," said Marth hopefully.

"I wonder why we're having this conversation," said Ness.

"Pikachu chi pi kip." _"Shut up."_

"Jig ig pig, pug uh." _"Like he said, shut up."_

"Pichu." _"I'm Pichu!"_

Kirby accidentally spilt a jar of steaming hot salami juice on top of Pichu, frying him to death. "Uh, oops…"

"Well, for the record," said Master Hand, drifting in, "Crazy Hand and I were plotting to somehow use you to take over the universe."

"By making us fight?" said Link.

"PRISES SSO LOAW, i mUST b CRAZY!" said Crazy Hand.

"Well, we're working on that. There's a logical explanation somewhere, but the author isn't smart enough to work it out." (--Well, I am smart enough, but this is a _typical_ story, not a good one--)

"I LIEK BEANS," said Crazy Hand.

"Okay," said Ness, "but if that's so, then why are you explaining this all to us?"

Master Hand gasped. "How – how did you know? Intelligent questions – my only weakness! Gah… I'm melting… not really. Um, well, I can't dodge questions, but I can dodge bullets! In fact, speaking of bullets, uh, I think I'll just shoot some out of my fingers to **kill you all** with! Ha! You can't point out the inconsistencies in my reasoning or the author's when you're **_dead_**!"

Master Hand then attempted to kill them all, but tripped over an imaginary piece of chewing gum.

"Ha! I live!" said Kirby. He proceeded to loot the pantry.

"Now you have no _choice_ but to explain the plot holes," said Link and Zelda smugly.

"Uh, **LET THE THIRD FIGHT BEGIN**!" declared Master Hand.

* * *

Next chapter: uh, the **THIRD FIGHT**! 


	10. The Third Fight

**_How to Write:_****  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (believe it or not).

**The Third Fight  
**  
"So, the third fight will be between, uh-" Master Hand looked around the dining room for inspiration - "between the soup and the chair! No..."

"I want to beat up people!" said Peach.

"You've already fought Mario... say! That's a good idea! I'll make the other princess, Zelda, fight, uh..."

"I LIEK BEENS!" said Crazy Hand.

"Kirby likes beans! It's Kirby versus Zelda!"

* * *

Suddenly, Kirby and Zelda were teleported to a field in Green Greens.

"I've been here before," said Kirby, confused.

"Uh, yes, you _live_ here," said Master Hand.

Kirby started hitting Zelda. Zelda started hitting Kirby.

"Boring," said Master Hand, throwing a Bob-omb into the arena.

Zelda and Kirby screamed. Luckily, the Bob-omb missed, landing instead in the audience, where it blew up Pichu. Nobody really cared, because this was Pichu, after all.

"Uh," said Kirby, "I guess I'll eat you." He ate Zelda, Zelda screamed, stuff happened, Kirby won.

* * *

(--Don't you just hate how brief these chapters tend to be? This is because this is a typical story. Typical stories suck.--)

"Anyway," said Master Hand, "I have distracted them from my evil plan. Now... uh... go to sleep."

Everyone went off, feeling dejected.

"This is boring," said Bowser.

* * *

Next chapter: the story gets more boring! 


	11. Mysterious Interlude

**_How to Write:_****  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (that's eg-never-i-kiti-kit spelt backwards!).

**Mysterious Interlude  
**  
"Well, well, well," said Master Hand, as soon as he and Crazy Hand are alone. "We've barely been here five minutes, but we've already had three fights and had several people die, fall in love, make friends, make enemies, and all in all, achieve nothing character-development-wise whatsoever!"

"MOSTLY INGEEENIUS!" consented Crazy Hand. "EET IZ 4 REESONS LIEK TIHS TAHE WEEL TAEK OVR TEH WURLDZ!"

"Can't you even _try_ to speak properly?" sighed Master Hand.

"I LIEKD TAHT PART 2," said Crazy Hand, bobbing up and down and performing acupuncture on himself (all the more remarkable considering that he was, after all, a disembodied hand).

"Right," said Master Hand. "We move on to phase two come tommorrow, understood?"

"Okey," said Crazy Hand. "What be TEH TIEM?"

"Who cares?" said Master Hand. "We'll work something out next chapter."

"Oh GUDI," said Crazy Hand. He did a backflip, crashed through a wall, crushing Pichu, whoprobably shouldn't have been there,and exited the room just as gracefully.

Alone, Master Hand pondered.

"I wonder... has our plan been successful thus far?" he said to himself. "Considering the number of people who actually believe that this piece of cr? is readable," (and before you start chastising me for language, the '?' stood for 'azy'), "I do think that this has worked.

"How, then, shall I best trick the Smash Bros. into killing each other? And where did the phrase 'Smash Bros.' come from? Was it that idiot Koopa in marketing who coined it? I'll have a word with him... or her... or it..."

And laughing sinisterly but not quite maniacally, Master Hand left.

* * *

Next chapter: all of the obvious continuity errors are amateurishly patched up - and Pichu dies yet again! 


	12. The Long and Quiet Bit

**_How to Write:_****  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (if it is, and isn't, then the ises and trizzes are all most certainly so, and all is well).

**TheLong and QuietBit  
**  
"Well," said Mario, "after all today's exciting events, perhaps we should go live normal lives."

"No," said Zelda, "I do not want to. Let us engage in romantic intercourse."

And so it happened, and it happened as so:

Firstly, in accordance with tradition, Link and Zelda had a long, quiet chat, culminating in a long, quiet walk. Link longed to quietly become romantically involved with Zelda; Zelda longed for quiet. The length of the long quiet quietened the most quiet of long things, and as such, Zelda had never realised that Link had longingly longed her for so long, suiet as he had been in his quiet longing. Link made a long, quiet monologue in which he revealed his true feelings for her; Zelda made a long, quiet, response which indicated that she would be interested in romance, and thus began a long, quiet, romance.

* * *

_Seventy-four long and quietminutes later..._

"That was amazing," said Zelda, longly and quietly.

"Yes," said Link, "who knew that watching small mice die in shrieks of utmost agony was so much fun?"

"I did," said Zelda, "which is why I made that long, quiet suggestion to do so."

"Yes," said Link, "indeed you did."

He kissed her.

"WTF? STFUROFL N00B!" said Zelda. She pulled out a minigun and shot him to death.

"Why...?" cried Link in his dying throes.

"Because," said Zelda.

"Because what...?" cried Link in his dying throes.

"Because you didn't say 'please'," said Zelda.

"Why...?" cried Link in his dying throes.

"Why what?" said Zelda.

"Why did you have to kill me...?" cried Link in his dying throes.

"I shouldn't have," said Zelda. "I overreacted, and I'm sorry."

"Do you love me...?" cried Link in his dying throes.

"Hell, no," said Zelda, spitting on him.

"Oh..." cried Link in his dying throes.

Link died.

"Oh, no," said Master Hand, drifting by nochalantly, "we're a Smasher short - oh, it's only Link, thank goodness."

"_'Only Link'?_" said Zelda angrily.

"Well, we can use the magical RPG stone to bring a clone of his back to life," explained Master Hand.

"Oh," said Zelda.

She watched as Master Hand summoned a Link clone into existence.

"I don't understand RPGs," Zelda added.

"Don't worry, nobody does," Master Hand assured her.

"Oh, good," said Zelda. "But then why do people make them?"

"**_OK END OF CHAPTER,_**" said some random bystander.

* * *

READ AND REVIEW OR THE TOURNAMENT STORIES WILL TAKE OVER FANFICTION!

Next chapter: a stream of unconsciousness.


	13. The Ultimate Battle

**_How to Write:_****  
"The Ultimate Explosion Final Battle Life or Death Amazing Astounding Epic Fatal Grand Super Smash Brothers Tournament!"**  
**at school.**

By tikitikirevenge (who is trying to think of something funny to say).

**The Ultimate Battle  
**  
"Okay!" said Master Hand. "It's time for the next fight!"

Nobody said anything, possible because it was in the middle of the night and nobody really cared at that point.

"WAKE UP!" said Master Hand.

Nobody responded.

"Crazy..." said Master Hand.

"B-yes?" said Crazy Hand, floating through several walls and crashing into Master Hand with a huge chunk of cement.

"Wake the Smash Brothers up."

"Most certainly," replied Crazy Hand in a very agitated voice. He floated out of the room, pausing only to grab a huge pointy thing the size of Donkey Kong.

* * *

_5 minutes later..._

"I'm AWAKE!" screamed Link, falling down the stairs and landing on top of Mario.

"Well, that's all of them," said Master Hand. "Good work, Crazy."

"May I have cookies now?" said Crazy Hand.

"Whatever you want," said Master Hand, sonding bored. "Okay, everyone, it's time for the NEXT FIGHT!"

"...in the middle of the night," said Falco dryly.

"Yes," said Master Hand, "in the middle of the night - THE NEXT FIGHT!"

"That's stupid!" said Link.

"But it's the **FOURTH FIGHT!**" said Master Hand. "Isn't that _exciting?_"

"No, not particularly," said everyone else.

"Yeah, well, who cares about you lot anyway?" said Master Hand. "The next fight begins now!"

Silence.

"Activate the teleports!" shouted Master Hand.

Silence.

They were all teleported to the roof of Peach's castle.

"Okay," said Master Hand. "Are we all comfortable?"

(--Don't forget that this is the ULTIMATE FIGHT EVAR! It's going to be awesome. I'm gonna get lotsa reviewz!--)

"The next fight is - Mario vs Bowser!" proclaimed Master Hand.

"Oh, come on," groaned Bowser, "that is so cliched."

Bowser and Mario turned to face each other.

"Let's go!" said Master Hand.

Mario jumped around, shooting fireballs at Bowser. He jumped up into the air and did a spinning kick to Bowser's head. He grabbed Bowser and did his super ninja move. He turned around and the explosionator began. He used his magical caped to grab the Bob-omb and then pressed the R button to shield, just like in the game. He leapt up and performed a smash attack in midair, grabbed Bowser by the face, headbutted him, let go, pressed the A button several times, mashed the controls to perform a super fire flower technique, passionately kissed Zelda, hopped up, did a flying ninja kick, zoomed in with lasers, explodified Bowser, destroyed the universe, used his down B move to do a super spin attack. Then he did a triple jump in order to do a falling attack you know the one in the game? Yeah that attack it was totally awesome and he did that totally awesome attack and spun around real fast and finally finished it by charging up a Smash Attack with teh A button and it wza AWESOME.

"...what?" said Bowser.

"Why aren't you dead?" said Mario.

"Mario, I'm a freaking _evil turtle creature with magic powers of doom_," sighed Bowser.

"Oh, right," said Mario.

Bowser threw Mario off the roof of the castle.

"GAME!" shouted Master Hand. "Bowser is the winner!"

"Omigod iz MARIOH ok?" said Luigi, panicking.

"It's-a okay!" shouted Mario from far below. "I landed on Pichu, and he cushioned my fall!"

"YAY!" shouted everyone happily.

"He might be dead," added Mario.

Everyone glanced at each other.

"Go Bowser!" said Zelda.

"Yeah, go Bowser!" said Samus. "By the way, I'm male. I felt I had to remind you of that fact. Male, male, male. I mean, how could Samus be a _she_? That's stupid. Would a girl go around shooting stuff? Nooooo! I'm a _guy_, morons!"

"But in the game-" began Ness.

"I'M A GUY!" shouted Samus, shooting Ness with some of her missiles. His missiles.

* * *

READ AND REVIEW OR I _**WILL**_ UPDATE! 

Next chapter: I don't know, I'm just making this up as I go.


End file.
